Randomness

Randomness ...

here i am trying to focus on something...

wanted to focus on some programming project and failed ...

now just trying to focus on something so here a new dose of random bullshit :

while fighting myself to gain some ground against my insane nature a find myself in the loser situation, and somehow the mix of all things that matter to me has managed to throw myself in the chaos of destruction, the peace i found and lasted for a two months period has ended, and thus my dream of being ever understood by another being. we r all crazies lost a little pot of milk, some ignoring and other trying to understand. but realy how can u understand crazyness ?
most of the time u just feel empty and hollow, and the little battles you win are just not enough to make u going through all this again. next there is the everchassing spirit after what's new and exciting, and this is also going against you,

then there are are all those old things you wanted to do, and never got the chance to start or to finish, and all those old friends you know that lost the faith for you.

then it is you again with ur dreams and wishes fight the same all monsters, not being able to start or to finish, for the reasons are gone, faded in the light of new desires or wishes or let's just call them illusions :)

and u cant move on until u lose the illusion of control...

and all breaks inside and outside you, and there is little to keep u together, and u look for every little drop of water to satisfy thirst.

but lives go on, it always find a way, old trees fall down to leave the place for the young ones, the cycle repeats itself and almost a peaceful nature way, except people have to fight they need the show, and they need to be fed the ideas and feelings, and just Shakespeare said : the world is a theater and we all are actors, i find myself watching the drama, where only few people understand that all this bullshit is just a show to make us believe that something is actually happening. and by watching the show we are missing the real point. i wish i knew the real point bu i cant get it, all i know it is there hidden from us by all these illusions and traditions and customs, and all this daily bullshit that we are used to swallow, and never ask why. why are we here ?

but it is spring so ice is melting the grass gets greener, the trees are blossoming and lives go into another cycle of waking up ... just like humans life everything is dictated by the cycles.

and i feel trapped inside these cycles just like i feel trapped in this prison of 2.5 dimensions.
the perfect prison is here, the prison which you can not feel or touch, and if string theory is right and there are many dimensions and we are just trapped inside only a few, then i believe this is our prison.

and all these aliens in my head search for a way to free themselves.
and all this talk that if it doesn't kill u just make u stronger is bullshit, it kills a part of you, an important part of u.

and i'm just being crazy because i cant be the other way, or just because i'm an usual person that just wants to feel different or feels different,
is it all in my head or is it real ?

he was standing on his usual place, watching the picture that unraveled just in front of him, all these people bellow, getting along with their usual life, never looking above to find the answers to their existence. From his place he could see many of them, some people with good hearts, some people envious, but all true in their desire to live better and do whatever it takes to achieve this, each finding its own way to the happiness, he was in charge of a small region in the mountains, he was watching around 15000 people, just like Sheppard are watching over the sheep, sometimes influencing their decision, and sometimes guiding them to the right actions towards other fellow humans.